I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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