Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize