Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize