my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
