You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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