other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
You left your phone here
Wait...
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