It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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