I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Green mimosas i think yes
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Randomize
