He asked to "fluff my boner.."
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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