Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
