why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
