life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Randomize
