Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
