apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
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