the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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