i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
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