I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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