I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
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