My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
