How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
