I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
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