He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Randomize
