I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
