i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
