The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
