Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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