He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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