She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
