Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Randomize
