did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
