Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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