she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize
