The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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