Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Mom said you looked used
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Randomize
