I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
