Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Randomize
