Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Randomize
