I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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