i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Randomize
