i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
