Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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