im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize
