On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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