I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Randomize