I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
