Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
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