I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
