She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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