what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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