There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
