Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
