I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
