I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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