Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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