Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Randomize
