hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
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