I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
