my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Randomize
