good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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