so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
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