i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
