Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Randomize
