I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Randomize
