if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
