I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
