dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
do herpes really smell.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
