omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
