when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
